Vindicate
by Griselda Banks
Summary: AU poem. It is a never-ending cycle, one he must break. He must prove through all his equations that one plus one equals one, that two equals zero. But when all his theories are done, all that is left is the period at the end of his sentence. Not yaoi.


_For NewMoonFlicker, because she understands what I mean in the last line._

Your face is cold  
Or maybe it's just my fingertips  
So frigid, like icicles that  
Freeze what they touch  
Like the touch of Midas, only this is not gold  
If my touch made you gold, it would make me what we have sought so long  
But nothing comes just from a wish  
Unlike a fairy-tale  
We must give if we wish to gain  
And I gave my  
Arm, my leg, my  
Heart (in thought, if not in deed)  
I gave it up, and this is what I've gained  
Equivalent Trade  
But nothing about you now is equal  
For now you are cold  
Or maybe it's just me  
With my heart of steel  
And my calloused hands  
That clap, and clap again  
Pouring myself into the science of my soul  
Yet how can science include the soul  
When a soul cannot be felt  
Cannot be measured  
Or defined?  
Why is there no  
Experiment to prove your existence?  
Where is the law  
That allows you to be alive?  
Who but me can say  
That you are alive  
That you are here with me?  
But then they tear me down  
These texts of another genius  
Surely that cannot be me  
That handwriting has never looked less familiar  
Those jabbed 'i's  
Slashed 't's  
Like I'm cutting my heart to shreds  
With the truth of reality of this dreamlike semi-existence  
How can you be alive  
When the truth is staring back at me?  
Yet how can you be dead  
When I can reach out and touch you  
Though you are cold to the touch?  
I know how; it's because  
You're still warm inside  
I can almost feel it, beating  
Your heart  
Somewhere far away from me  
Though I want it beside me  
Why can I not reach it  
When I can hear it loud in my ears  
When I can nearly feel it when my hands  
So cold, so rough  
Touch your chest  
With that dull bang of steel on steel?  
And I forget my questions  
When I look into your eyes, and I  
Forget what I was going to say, because  
Nothing can say it  
No words  
Nothing  
So I remain silent  
And you wish I would speak  
But my lips will not part  
And I can find no words  
To say  
Anything  
Everything  
Like "How are you holding up?"  
Or "I swear I'll bring you back"  
Or "Of course you're human"  
Or "Yes, little brother. I love you."  
For those humble words are  
Mundane and inadequate  
And the words to describe them are  
Miserably hollow  
And nothing can express what I feel  
Inside this cold chest of mine  
My heart is not half so warm as yours  
Though it's right here with me  
In thought, it's over there with you  
So maybe that's why  
I carry this heart of steel  
It's Equivalent Trade, isn't it?  
I trade my humanity  
For yours  
You remain innocent  
My hands are bloodied with  
The lifeblood of a dog and  
The dozens of people that I hurt  
With my words and my actions of hidden, selfish love  
But I do not complain  
This is what I'm willing to give  
Yes, everything  
My very life, my very soul  
All for you  
Without a second thought  
Don't ask me to stop when I've already made up my mind  
When I've made a promise  
That I will never ever break  
I don't care if I  
Beat myself into the ground, if I  
Can only lift you up  
And in this moment, I  
Think of all these things I should have thought before  
For now there's no time left  
I can see what must be done  
And I know you would protest, but  
The blood is shining on the ground and it's mine  
This is what I'd give for you  
My heart pumps out that blood, inexorably  
I can't pull back now  
I have been a terrible big brother, haven't I?  
I should have shown you how to live  
How to die  
How to love  
Well, maybe I can show you that at least  
I don't want you to follow in my steps except  
That last item  
The last one on the list  
But the most important  
Will you still love me when you find out?  
Yes, of course you will, because you're  
Alphonse  
Ah, the moments pass so quickly, and they're all stripped away  
Once, twice, gone forever  
Like the swinging of a pendulum  
Like the ticking of a clock  
Like the beats of an executioner's drum  
The moments of my life are here, but just as fast they're  
Gone  
I will never see the sun again  
Nor the moon  
Nor feel the wind in my hair  
Nor hear the sound of a cat inside your armor  
Nor destroy my arm to Winry's dismay  
Never, never again  
But I don't mind so much, I think  
Because this is Equivalent Trade  
And I will give it all up for you  
The moments swiftly tick by  
And my death creeps ever closer  
I am so cold, so  
Warm, so  
Overwhelmed by everything and nothing in every moment that slips by  
Forever  
But my heart swells  
That cold, steel heart  
Because I know that you will live  
Though I pass on  
And I know that you will cry  
And wonder why and how this ever happened  
But you will live  
I know you will live  
And you will love  
Because I showed you how to do that, at the very least  
And as my eyesight blurs  
As everything becomes nothing, fuzzy and soft where before were only harsh lines  
My finger trails through my blood  
That seeps out in a puddle all around me  
And I trace a sentence in the red ink  
Indelible  
I hope you will see it, and forgive me for all the terrible things I've done  
But I know you will forgive me, because you are  
My Alphonse  
And I know that you will understand  
And I know that you will vindicate me  
When you read what I write  
When you read:  
"I love you."

* * *

Vindicate: verb (used with object) - to clear, as from an accusation, imputation, suspicion, or the like.  


* * *

**Author's Note: This poem is far from my usual style, which is much more structured and nearly always rhymes. But I wanted to try out something different, something I'd never done before. There were two inspirations for this poem. One was panda105's outstanding fic "Laws of Devining"; the other was the song "Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional (from the Spider-Man 2 soundtrack, and an incredibly awesome song). I was reading chapter 8 of "Laws of Devining" and thinking that it would be awesome to be able to write like that. Then I listened to "Vindicated" and nearly exploded XD Just to clarify, this is an alternate ending to the story.  
**


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